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In late 1783, change was sweeping the Western world. The Revolutionary War had drawn to a close, the Treaty of Paris had been signed, Mozart's Great Mass was performed for the first time, and, with the Montgolfier brothers' balloon, mankind was poised on the threshold of flight. And only one newspaper, H. Ulysses Zweibel's The Onion, had the courage to stand against it all. Here, for the first time ever, is a reprint edition of The Onion's October 6, 1783 issue.

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New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands

A great Worrye gripps the Metropolis of New Yorke, fmrly, New Amsterdam, from which we should all take cautionary Instrucktion, that we might stop this dangerous Trend, before Disaster and Catastrophe be-fall us. I speak of the Danger of...read more
Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want read more
Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright read more
Humor In Shackles read more
One May Now Toil From Home read more

A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being...read more
Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes read more
John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver read more
Hay Thieves Strike Again read more

Two Feared Dead In Near-By Child-Birth

Two SOULS have been struck DEAD, and their Bodies bereft of Divine Breath, and left mouldering where they lay, in Roanoke, the sad but not...read more
To Be Sold - Two Chamber Pot House read more
To-day In American History read more
A Salt Cake Recipe read more
A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home read more

Facial Corsets For Ladies, Finally

Woman, look again as twelve years of age! At last, FACIAL CORSETS for LADIES make slender and comely the Woman's Face, pushing up and accentuating...read more

Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft

By Constabulary SEIZED, upon its being found in a Hay-Wain's-Loft, a most Immoral and corruptatious WOOD-CUT...read more
A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon read more
Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides read more
Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously? read more
To-day In American History read more

M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words

Be it Known, that the Scoundrel & Cat-A-Mite who goes by the Monniker of Noah WEBSTER, is presently at Work on the most Infernal and...read more
Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? read more
New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands read more
Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington read more
Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want read more

Great God, The Stenche

CHRIST on His golden Throne above, it does smell. All around us, throughout the Width, and Breadth, and Girth, of this our great new...read more
New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle read more
Is It Too Soon To Use The Boston Massacre As A Source Of Humour? read more
Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence read more
Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel read more

I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer

GENTLES, and Citizens of America, I put it to you, a query of the curious disposition: Have you not noticed, in instances numbered too many to...read more
Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! read more
Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen? read more
Bald Eagles Evr'y Where read more
Wide-Spread Powder Shortage Confounds Nation's Bewigged. read more

General Washington Hints At A 'Bid' For Presidency in 1789

In NEWBURGH, The State of New York this week we learn, that our great General Washington finds him self besett with Affairs of State, in addition to his more accustom'd Affairs, those being of War; and that, although he has yet to Persuade the...read more
Iroquois Inſurgency Quelled By Gov’t.! read more
The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid read more
The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel read more

Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered

By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an Organelle of the Body, an' that Human; excis'd from the Back & Mottl'd Purple in Colour, and very like a Kiddney-Bean in SHAPE, which when Remov'd causes Expiration, as with all Organs. By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an...read more
A Puzzle For The Mind read more
A Jest For You read more
Dances You May Wish To Try read more
Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides read more

Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously?

Ex-Tractus from a Letter, by one Ben'j Franklin, Dilettante, Meddler In Affairs Foreign & Domestick, late of PHILADELPHIA, presently...read more
Last Month's Weather read more
M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words read more
New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish read more
Owls Deemed Arse-Holes read more

Popular Hymns heard sung of late.

"O, O, O Lord, O, O". "These Lesions, Ho, Are The Lord's Lesions". "Yea, How The Lord Doth Despise Us". Untitled...read more
To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads read more
I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer read more
The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present read more
Thousands More Teeth Lost read more

The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in...read more
Ben Franklin Inventions This Week read more
The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid read more

Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft

By Constabulary SEIZED, upon its being found in a Hay-Wain's-Loft, a most Immoral and corruptatious WOOD-CUT...read more
A Brief "Bring-You-Up-To-Date" read more
Weekley Duel Results read more
Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run" read more
Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? read more

14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting

SHOTTEN DEAD, in a school house in Western VIRGINIA, over the course of Six HOURS, by a Musket-wielding Gun-Man, were 14 Students, may GOD rest their Souls, and may He damn for-ever their fellow Student, an' him sore vexed in the Heade, who...read more
Great God, The Stenche read more
Humor In Shackles read more
News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania read more
Ship's Log read more

A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being...read more
Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps read more
Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! read more
Thousands More Teeth Lost read more
John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver read more

That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds

F>rom BOSTON comes dread News of the Death, after long-suffr'ing his Injurie, of Samuel Rush, who lest we suffer from Forget-ful-ness, was the worthy GentleMan, so often portrayed† in Song and Woodcut, as bleeding from grievous Blows to the...read more
Hay Thieves Strike Again read more
Notice To The Publik read more
Amazing Publick Spectacle! read more
The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches read more

Mule-Deaths Of Late

Mon-day. Belonging to M. SEXTON, Dottie. Tues-day. Belonging to A. BROWNE, Sour Mash. Belonging to F. WESTON, Corporal Thiſtleweed. Belonging to P....read more