Your Horoscope Your Birthday Today You'll have your very own line of cologne just as soon as scientists find a way to bottle the stench of defeat.
Aries March 21 - April 19 They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
Taurus April 20 - May 20 God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
Gemini May 21 - June 21 You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
Cancer June 22 - July 22 Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
Leo July 23 - August 22 You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
Libra September 23 - October 23 You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21 The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
Pisces February 19 - March 20 Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.
