Your Horoscope Your Birthday Today Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
Aries March 21 - April 19 You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
Taurus April 20 - May 20 When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
Gemini May 21 - June 21 Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Cancer June 22 - July 22 Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Leo July 23 - August 22 There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 23 Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21 It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Pisces February 19 - March 20 You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
